The pain and the agony

Posted: September 5, 2013 in Ramblings
Tags: ,

It’s always hard to lose something you’ve worked hard for.  A relationship.  A home.  A car.  Whatever.  Honestly, it doesn’t matter what it is, if you’ve worked towards it and you lose it, it hurts.  A lot.

I know.  I’m experiencing that.  You see, I’m the publisher of an online newspaper.  It wasn’t always online.  It use to be print as well, but circumstances forced me to go online only and make do with that.  That’s OK though, because I figured newspapers were all going to end up online only anyway.  It’s kind of inevitable, and most of my local colleagues agreed with me.  They knew I was simply stepping where they were going to be in a few years.

Unfortunately, that business is failing.  It hurts, because I have no idea why.  ADHD people often excel owning their own businesses, and I had hoped I would too.  I haven’t.  I honestly don’t know what the hell I’m going to do either.  The paper is online, and advertising can come from anywhere, but so far all I’ve got are a couple of ad networks that aren’t bringing in that much.  The best ad network cut me off because someone was clicking links in an effort to generate us revenue, but did so in a way that make the network suspicious.  As a result, we have lost that potential revenue and are limping through.

The thing is, while ADHD folks often do quite well with their own businesses, they also don’t take failure well.  When you have a lifetime of built up anxiety about screwing everything up, another failure can be more than it seems you can bare.  Day in, day out, I feel like a complete screw up.  I took a newspaper that had existed since 1939 and have managed to almost kill it.  Way to go Tom.

This is why it’s very important for ADHD people to know what they’re getting into.  You have to know what you’re doing, and do everything you can to stack the deck in your favor.  Anyone should do this, but it’s vital that we do it.  If not, the ramifications could be worse than simply financial difficulties.

The other day, I checked one of the add networks we use, and found that it was creating enough revenue to pay for our hosting.  This was tremendous news, because that means we’re simply not losing any more money.  It’s not a great position to be in, but it’s workable.  We are making enough to pay our current expenses.  It’s not enough to pay our debts, but it’s a start.  We’re making enough to cover our costs, and that’s the first step.

That little win doesn’t take away the feeling of failure though.  It’s hard to be an optimist when you’ve spent so much of your life feeling like a screw up because you can’t do things like everyone else.  It’s hard to feel good about your victory when you can’t bear to think about what all has been lost.

However, it’s also possible that someday, the victory will be to large to ignore.  That is the day I’m looking forward to.

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